


Little Shinobi Academia

by ShinyHokage



Category: Little Witch Academia, Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Coming of Age, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Konohagakure | Hidden Leaf Village, Slow Burn, Useless Lesbians
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:34:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26631454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinyHokage/pseuds/ShinyHokage
Summary: Sixteen year old Hidden Leaf genin Atsuko (Akko) Uzumaki has a dream: to be Hokage just like her idol Chariot. Her rival, Diana Uchiha, has other plans in mind for the young shinobi. Will Akko realize her dream? Will she ever master the shadow mouse jutsu? Will this crackfic ever become serious?Let's find out!
Relationships: Diana Cavendish/Atsuko "Akko" Kagari, Frank/Lotte Yanson, Hannah England/Amanda O'Neill
Comments: 10
Kudos: 32
Collections: Diakko Fics w/ AU's





	1. Enter: The Shiny Hokage!

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy this Naruto/LWA crackfic crossover I'm writing to destress and distract myself from editing my actual book.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Ursula: the rambunctious Akko Uzumaki, Lotte Yansen, and Sucy Manbavaran face the first trial of the chunin exams and search for the answer to an age-old question. Can you use a genius' drool to make yourself smarter?  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes for those who haven't watched Naruto:  
> Genin - first rank of shinobi (ninjas)  
> Chunin - second rank  
> Jonin - third rank (step below Hokage)  
> Hokage - leader of the Hidden Leaf Village (Konoha)  
> Shinobi missions issued by the Hokage in order of increasing prestige: D->C->B->A->S  
> Will of Fire - concept that the village is like one family and that every shinobi works to protect it and its future

Today was the day, today of all days, today Akko Uzumaki has her first chance to prove her dream. To be Hokage, and not for the stuffy reasons all those other genin wanted; no she wanted to be a new brand of Hokage. Add some flair. Surely having your face carved into the great stone wall sitting above the Hidden Leaf Village aligned more with being a celebrity than government official. Who says you can’t be Hokage and entertainer?

Today was also definitely not the day of all days to be late. 

Never one to adhere to tradition, Akko’s sandals shone bright red; blue was for losers. Their heels clacked against the cobblestones as she raced to the Academy, brown ponytail whipping chaotically in her wake. Wooden buildings with layers of multi-colored tile roofs blurred on either side. Akko briefly lifted her eyes from her destination to wave to Mr. Ichiraku. Maybe I can squeeze in a bowl of ramen on the go… no, focus Akko! You can make it! Oh she was so close she could practically taste the steps her face had smacked into from all her previous last-minute dashes. 

火: the black lettering ignited the will of fire coursing through her veins.

After Lord Seventh was appointed at Hokage, a surge of modernization took hold of Konoha; the Academy was one building to virtually escape that trend, the mass of white buildings with red tile roofs that loomed ahead. Learning in a skyscraper with floor-to-ceiling windows would have allowed for amazing views and sun-bathing naps… positives that Akko accepted as reasons to appreciate the old building, spiders and all. 

The infamous tree swing flashed by to her left as she bounded through the front gates; technically on campus grounds, Akko had basically arrived!  
To her credit, Akko wasn’t the only one rushing – or, more accurately, the only one not inside yet. An equally tiny girl with short orange hair and round glasses paced at the bottom of the steps, frantically checking the watch on her wrist. At the sound of the approaching bundle of genin, the girl’s blue eyes shot open along with her mouth. 

“Akko! The first part of the Chunin exam starts in two minutes, I thought you weren’t going to make it.” 

Two minutes? “Plenty of time!” Akko grabbed the girl’s hand and dragged her into flight. “Hey, Lotte, where’s our grumpy third half?”

“It’s not halves if there are three of us.”

“Mou, you know what I mean!”

“Sucy’s waiting inside. She said something about making sure the water at our table was up to code…”

“Eh? Code? Our water has codes?”

Lotte tried to get another word out, but Akko swung the two around a corner with speed even the Yellow Flash would envy; ah, Lotte was not going to be happy with that whiplash later. But all in good reason, by now they’d only have one minute! 

In the world of shinobi, displays of emotion, of lack of control, are looked down upon. 

It was with this thought furthest from her mind that Akko flung herself into the door to the examination room, the full weight of her body swinging it open for them. 

10:00 A.M. Hah, not late!

Every pair of eyes in the room quickly came to a rest on the tangle of arms and legs at the back of the room. Akko was the first to regain her footing and beam past the rows of genin who had travelled from the distant Kumo, Ame, Yume, Suna, and Kiri Hidden Villages at the proctor. 

“Ursula-sensei!” Akko called out, bouncing in place.

Ursula promptly blanched and let out a sigh of relief. “A-Akko, thank goodness.” Akko loved how much Team Ursula’s leader cared for its members. Her first impression of the blue-haired woman had been less than stellar; Akko fancied herself an expert in the art of ninjutsu and taijutsu, genjutsu such as those used by her mentor flew over her head. Why bother with illusions when you can breathe fire and make clones of yourself or literally punch someone into oblivion. Maybe her Hokage head could have fire-breathing installed, hmm, she’d have to ask Constanze from Team Nelson about that… 

“Now that all team members have arrived, we may begin with the first part of this season’s Chunin Exam,” Ursula continued. “As I’m sure many of you have heard, this is a written exam…” Her eyes wandered to the still bouncing Akko and she cleared her throat. Ever quick on the uptake, Akko realized that was her signal to find… ah, purple hair! She lifted Lotte from the ground and rushed over to Sucy, unceremoniously plopping them both into the seats beside the disinterested girl. “What you may not have heard is that your progress toward the next phase requires you to pass this test as a team.”  
Not a soul gasped. Akko pitied her sensei, left to deal with the bored gazes of dozens of teenagers, but come on. Everyone knew about the Chunin exams, this was 2020 after all, not the dark ages. 

“Ahem, yes, as a team…” Repeating sentences? If ever there was a cue to stop her single minute record of paying attention, it was now.

“Yo, Sucy,” Akko spoke in what she believed was a whisper. “What’s code water?”

As if waiting for the moment her teammate would ask, the pink-haired girl whipped out a vial of a suspiciously bubbling cerulean liquid.

“I made it special for you, for concentration purposes, hehe.”

Akko scratched the back of her head, contemplating her options. She may have been dense at times, but she wasn’t too dense to realize just how dense she was and how non-dense her trains of thought could be and was she seriously considering…

“Yosh!” She took the vial, what was a little faith between friends. Even friends who regularly used you as a test subject for their obsessively mushroom-driven experiments. If it helped the team, it would be worth it!

“Akko, I don’t think we should.” Lotte’s advice was lost on long-deaf ears. 

With a pep in her swig, Akko downed the blue liquid in one gulp. Smooth, not too clumpy or sandy – like last time – altogether she wasn’t regretting her decision, seriously Lotte needed to take a chill pill… “Blah! What is this?” Nevermind, definitely a nevermind. Akko took it all back, Sucy was evil!

“It tastes like plums!”

“Shhh, Akko the others will hear-”

“Unpickled plums!”

“Have you no sense of dignity?” The blonde sitting in front of Akko sighed loudly and turned to face the classroom disturbance. Eyes as blue as the ‘code’ water blazed into Akko’s red ones. “Ursula Sensei, I accept that you hold this trio dear, nonetheless I believe we can all agree that they are not fit to be Chunin.” 

As Akko’s sadly-not-bicon would say: the audacity. 

“Who are you calling unfit?!”

The ponytailed – Akko had assured Lotte that was a verb – redhead to the audacious’ right snickered. “Dumb and deaf are the only DD’s she’ll ever have.” 

“Don’t forget disgraceful, Hannah.” The black-haired girl, Barbara, chimed in. 

By the Kages, Akko hated Team Finnelan. 

“I’m still growing!” Not the hill she meant to die on, but the hill this conversation had steered her toward. The absolute audacity. “When I’m Hokage you’re gonna beg for D-rank missions!”

The blonde crossed her arms and flicked her hair to the side with no visible effort – ugh, Diana Uchiha, the worst of the bunch. Just so… perfect.  
“Becoming Hokage is the highest honor a Hidden Leaf ninja can attain, it is bestowed on those who uphold every virtue passed down by those that came before,” she droned. “To be Hokage is to be the Leaf’s future; steering our future based on your past would result in catastrophe. Asserting that you will become Hokage before showing any tangible signs of achievement is childish and irrational.”

Had Diana not said Hokage three times, Akko would have ignored every single word. Most of them whizzed past her ears anyhow, but the gist was clear: Akko was unworthy. 

“You really need to let this Hokage thing go, a loser like you will never get there.” Barbara’s star-struck eyes turned to her teammate. “Not like Diana, she would make an amazing leader. Oh Diana, you must be Hokage!”

Enough was enough; Akko shot to her feet, sending her chair scraping against the wooden floor and into the shins of a now-yelping Hidden Rain genin behind her.  
“No way I’m gonna let my rival beat me, to be Hokage is my dream! One just like Chariot-sama.”

The Uchiha shook her head sadly. “Lady Eighth exemplified everything a Hokage must not. Honestly, it comes as no surprise that you choose an idol looked down upon by the entire village. Downright deplorable circus theatrics aside, she abandoned us during our time of need. I have no desire to be Hokage, but if I must in order to stop you from failing Konoha, I will.” 

Four things happened next: the Hidden Rain’s teammates declared war on Team Ursula, Lotte waved her hands in front of Akko before she officially added Team Finnelan to the war, Ursula Sensei rushed to their tables, and Sucy procured a new vial with bright magenta liquid. 

Akko slammed her hands in front of her, ignoring the threats from behind and focusing on her totally official rival. “You think you’re so cool!”

Sucy poured the liquid on their table. 

“We really should begin with the exam, there isn’t much time…” Ursula reached out to calm the genin. 

Lotte squeaked at the fizzling liquid. 

“Hey, look at me when I’m talking to you Leaf scum!” The Hidden Rain genin shoved Akko from behind, demanding her attention. 

With a poof of magenta smoke, Team Ursula’s table vanished, and with it anything stopping Akko from her next tumble. She fell forward in slow motion, the familiar spike in heartrate returning with the adrenaline of fight-or-flight. Maddeningly blue eyes filled her vision, wait, she was falling close, like way too close. Blue eyes weren’t all, Akko’s flicked her gaze down to, how could such beautiful lips spew words Akko hated with every fiber of her tiny being? She was going to kill Sucy, no way this wasn’t part of some super complicated diabolical witch-ninja plan. I mean come on; at this rate they were going to…

Oh, thank the Kages. Ursula’s hand gripped Akko’s shoulder at the last second, halting her face milli-inches from her rival’s. 

“Ew!” Hannah’s squeal drew Akko’s attention. “You were going to kiss Diana!” Make that everyone’s attention, Akko felt heat creeping up her neck and swore her ears must’ve radiated steam in that moment. 

“I was not!” She needed a comeback, a graceful comeback, that would show them. “I’d rather kiss a Mount Myoboku toad.” In a blonde wig. And a corset. Holding one of those stupid red and white Uchiha fans. Who even picks a fan as a symbol? We get it, the sun is hot. 

“Uchiha is another form of pronouncing uchiwa, the paper fan. As fire justu users, it symbolizes fanning our flames to the heights of our abilities.” Oh, Akko had said that out loud. Ironically, Diana’s matter-of-fact tone dissipated the unrest boiling around her. A smirk crept across those lips. “In the future, I would keep your toad fantasies to yourself, as any self-respecting Hokage would.” 

Akko sank back into her chair, realized she no longer had a chair, and slammed into the floor. 

“Serves you right, baka,” the Hidden Rain genin mumbled, seemingly pacified by the embarrassment he’d witnessed. 

Ursula retrieved the chair and helped Akko into it before sending Sucy the most menacing stare she could muster, which honestly wasn’t saying a lot. Masterful genjutsu user of not, their sensei just wasn’t intimidating. Sucy did as she was bidden anyway, the table reappearing, now with an eye-catching coat of magenta. Akko poked it, not too sticky; it would do.  
Ursula had returned to her position in front of the blackboard and cleared her throat, hands clasped behind her back to regain a thread of control. “As a team…”

Akko slumped to the slump-preme in her chair. 

Any test was welcome after that. 

\--- 

Lead, lead, everything tasted like lead and oh man Akko thought she was gonna be dead, dead in like ten minutes when Sucy finds out how bad she was doing on thed exam. How was she supposed to know Shinobi need math? Who measures shuriken impact angles and memorizes the equations of conservation of chakra? What running positions are most aerodynamically suited to pursuit?

Eh??

The thought that eating enough pencils might poison her before Sucy could tempted the red-eyed brunette for a moment, but nah. She was going to be Hokage, math or no math. She can do it!  
Akko slammed her forehead into the metal, the hardness of her own skull resulting in a resounding clang that made even the ever cool Diana Uchiha shift in surprise. Lotte, on the other hand, almost threw up at the disturbance, her eyes darting uncertainly toward her teammate. Leaf jonin had been stationed around the room, monitoring their surroundings for any signs of cheaters. And oh boy did Akko wish she could cheat right about now. 

“Pssst.” The alchemical ninja didn’t budge. “Suuuucy!” A single eye glanced her away from under the pink fringe. “That smart potion isn’t working.”

“It wasn’t a smart potion,” she hissed. “The effects were supposed to transfer to Uchiha.”

“Eh?”

“I’ve spent the last few months collecting your drool when you sleep and brewed it into the perfect concoction: a stupefying potion!” Sucy was kind of inspiring when she allowed her passion for potions to break through – wait, what-

“I don’t drool!”

“Keep telling yourself that dummy. It was supposed to lower the chances of your ‘rival’ when you two, you know.”

Akko’s cheeks flushed at the memory; a normal, totally natural reaction when it came to thinking about rivals. Infuriating rivals.

“Steal some of her spit to make me a smart potion then.”

“You shall do no such thing.” Their topic of conversation growled from in front of them. “Uzumaki, there are five minutes remaining in the examination period. I would advise you to use them wisely, and not entertain your usual… thoughts.”

The way the girl lingered on thoughts sent another spike of anger through Akko, her face matching her eyes in color. 

Lotte gently tapped Akko’s foot with her own. “Why don’t you use shadow mouse jutsu?”

A fantastic idea, why hadn’t Akko thought of that? The ticking of the clock was finally drowned out by her excitement, there was still a chance! Cheaters were really only cheaters if they were caught after all! Akko screwed her eyes shut and concentrated, willing herself to focus on the image of the smokey mouse with its tuft of hair matching her half-pony. The welcome smell of overcooked ramen wafted to her nostrils and she cracked open her eyes along with cracking a goofy grin.

Tobi. 

She had named him for the swirling nature of his form. Not quite a master of the shadow style jutsu, Akko’s shadow mouse still retained more of its shadow nature than the material form Ursula urged her to work towards. Eh, if it worked it worked. She leaned forward after a furtive glance towards Badcock-sensei confirmed no eyes were watching and enacted the plan. 

“Inu-tori-saru-tatsu-mi,” Akko whispered, hands moving to perform the hand signs she’d spent hours practicing. That last word brought the Mii theme to mind, as it always did, and drowned her concentration – smoky Tobi was good enough.

It was simple really, as with most one-step plans: Tobi would scurry across the ceiling and take in as much information as he could before returning with one-minute left in the testing period. Sixty seconds would be plenty surely.

The waiting three minutes for Tobi to finish recon felt like an eternity passed instead. To his credit, Tobi figured out to spend most of the time peering over Diana’s shoulder, but Akko insisted he check out other tables as well. No way she would admit her rival was the best in the room. 

60 seconds.  
Tobi poofed into existence in front of her, squeaking in their super-secret dialect as Akko began to scribble furiously.  
30 seconds.  
Wait, did he just say Fourier or furrier?  
15 seconds.  
Akko thought about simpler times when she could count pickled plums and that was it for the math section.  
5 seconds.  
Eh, five out of ten questions answered was close enough; surely Lotte and Sucy would accept her valiant efforts.  
0 seconds.  
Hunger pangs overcame any other thoughts.

“Time is up, pencils down everyone,” Ursula called from the front of the room as Akko finished sketching an outline of Tobi under a question titled Fundamentals of the Uncertainty Principle Concerning Shinobi Teleportation Techniques. 

“Akko did better than I expected,” Sucy spoke past the Akko sitting right next to her to Lotte. “Her drawings have gotten better too. I think we have space on the fridge for this one.” 

No such luck, proctor Finnelan snatched up Akko’s test with a disapproving huff and shake of her head. Diana received an approving hmm and nod. Just because Akko didn’t like Finnelan-sensei didn’t mean she didn’t want a hmm of her own one day. 

Her forehead slammed into the table for the second time. “Ughhhhh, please tell me we’re going to Ichiraku now?”

“Aw, are all one of your braincells hungry after all that thinking?” Hannah leaned back in her chair and giggled. 

Barbara bounced right off her tweedle-dee. “She still can’t even get the shadow mouse jutsu right. Hokage my headband.”

Diana rose without a snarky comment and elegantly slid behind her comrades’ chairs to exit the room; her shadows scrambling to their feet and following, but not before shoot two more glares and stuck-out tongues in Akko’s direction. 

“What is their problem?” She grumbled. 

Sucy shrugged. “They probably blame you for the stinkhorns mushrooms I grew in their bathtub.” A devilish grin spread across her face. “They’re very potent.”

“Oh Sucy…”

Akko lifted her head as abruptly as she slammed it, a dull red mark the only sign of her previously dejected state. “That settles it, Sucy’s paying.”

“I am not-”

“This whole thing is your fault!”

“You’re the one with the idiot drool.”

“I’m happy to split it three ways guys, please don’t argu-”

“No way Lotte, this is a matter of ramen! A shinobi needs principles.”

A ruffle of papers interrupted the vital debate and Akko raised her gaze from Sucy’s red eyes to Ursula’s red – honestly, did everyone in Konoha have red eyes? The majority of the teams had cleared from the room by now, eager to catch up on R&R before the second portion of the exams, or before the equally daunting reveal of who hadn’t advanced. Akko felt a lump form in her throat at the thought, but no, of course she would advance.

To be Hokage!

“I believe I can offer a solution to your problem,” her sensei smiled. Every time Ursula directed such gentle expressions Akko’s way it invoked a feeling she attributed to parental affection. There was, of course, no standard for her to base it off of aside from observing her peers interacting with their own parents. 

Sixteen years ago, the Noir Rod attacked the Hidden Leaf village; the Ninth Hokage, Lady Holbrooke, told Akko that her parents had been casualties of the attack. That they had defended the village to their last breath. That she should be proud of their sacrifice. That they would be proud to know their child was an aspiring shinobi. 

Akko didn’t care about all that.

Akko wanted more than a breeze to push her on the swing. 

Ursula’s hand patting the poof of Akko’s hair wiped the brooding look from her face. “How about I treat you three today? I can’t say if you advanced to the second portion just yet, but I can say that I am proud of how far you’ve come.” She tussled Akko’s hair ever so slightly, the ponytail slipping out of position. “Regardless of what others might say.”  
It took a moment for Akko to register what had been offered. Oh, she just about tasted the pork chasu already. When her mind caught up to her tastebuds, Akko blasted straight into the room’s doors once more, conveniently forgetting that since they had opened when she crashed in, the hinges would not allow for such an exit. 

“Oh Akko…”

“Didn’t specify how many bowls,” Sucy muttered. “Big mistake, sensei.”


	2. Team Nelson: Friends or Foes?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Ursula plans a relaxing evening beside the lake as they await the results of the first part of the chunin exam. Nothing could go wrong when Akko tries to relax.  
> Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It takes every ounce of my being to not die every time I type Diana Uchiha. 
> 
> P.S. I have no idea how to do italics in ao3

Breaths shallow and rapidly increasing in frequency, Akko gripped the weapon in her right palm, fingers fighting through her own sweat to retain their grip. 

“She’s going to choke.” A dry whisper behind her.

“Akko can do it.” Lotte, ever the voice of encouragement – when Akko’s actions to be encouraged were within reason, which honestly, wasn’t often. 

Negative comments be damned, the future Hokage can and will do it!

The flat rock skipped across the surface of the Southern Lake once, twice, thrice, four times, Akko’s breathing exceeded known limits… five times.

“Hah!” She spun around and jumped in place, pumping her first into the cool autumn afternoon air. The trio had come to their favorite relaxation spot after an exceptionally large late lunch at Ichiraku’s new restaurant; Ursula-sensei’s Alcor wallet had practically deflated at the sight of Akko’s stack of bowls. Well, practically and actually. That never deterred the rising shinobi, potatoes alone can’t sustain a growing hero. Potato ramen… hmm, had anyone thought of that yet?

The lake was a popular spot, but Team Ursula had found a secluded cove this past summer, with an almost centered view of the pier sitting opposite them. A gentle breeze rustled through the trees, sending a flurry of crunchy, warm hues to settle on the clear water’s surface. Akko squatted after finishing her triumph dance and dipped a finger into the water, catching a leaf’s ripple as it reached the sandy shore. Cool, refreshing, a shame it was too cold to swim anymore.

“I can’t believe you Sucy,” Akko huffed. “You’re my teammate. Where’s my camaraderie?”

A distinctly autumn leaf-colored head of choppy hair stepped out from its camouflage, the wild style contained only by the metal headband signature to all Konoha shinobi. Akko had put it on upside-down the first time – who decided a leaf symbol had a right way up – and replaced the default navy blue band with a red one to match her shoes. Team Nelson preferred green bands, and Team Finnelan blue, sticklers for tradition and all.

“Woah, Akko can pronounce words that long? Wonders never cease.”

Amanda O’Neill. Ringleader of the Team Nelson genin, this year resident hotshot and laziest try-hard Akko had ever met. The short, blue-haired steel release user Constanze shot Akko a thumbs up from behind her teammate; naturally, the braided earth user Jasminka stood to the other side, a kindly smile and bag of potato chips at the ready. 

“Amanda,” Akko beamed and skipped to her friend’s side in less than five bounces, slinging an arm over her shoulder. “Just the person I was waiting for!”

Amanda raised an eyebrow. “Oh? That’s never a good sign with you.”

“Mou,” Akko pouted. “Can’t I count on you of all people to help me with pranks?”

“Pranks you say?”

“You can use wind release, right? With your jutsu and my throwing skills, we can skip rocks all the way to other side of the lake!”

The wind user stretched her arms above her head before settling into a slouched, hands behind head position, eyes idly measuring Akko up. “Sure, but what’s in it for me?”

“Uh, bragging rights?”

“Nobody else cares about that Akko,” Sucy plucked a crimson leaf from the air and dropped it into her cauldron… when did she get a cauldron? Whatever new potion she was cooking up smelled even worse than unpickled plums, Akko inched away, nose scrunched. 

“Well you should, Diana and her stupid teammates hangout on the pier every day.” Nefarious goals and puppy dog eyes aside, Akko knew mentioning the Uchiha always got Amanda on board. The twitch in the fiery-haired girl’s eye confirmed it, time to lay it on thick. “Think about how cool it would be to scare them. Rocks crashing at their feet out of nowhere, boom. Dropping their dainty teacups with gasps of-of… eh… indignance!” The rebel was nodding along with each word. “Maybe even…” Akko leaned in to whisper the last possibility for maximum dramatic effect. “Diana spilling tea on that annoyingly clean white uchiwa blouse of hers.”

“We really shouldn’t antagonize Team Finnelan any more today,” Lotte attempted to join in the planning session. “Fighting outside of the exam-sanctioned areas can get us disqualified.”

“Who said anything about fighting?” A mischievous twinkle sparked in Amanda’s light green eyes. “It’s just a little fun pranking among classmates. I’ve had a bone to pick with that Hannah ever since… I’m in Akko!”

“Ever since what?”

Constanze scribbled frantically on her notepad before holding up the response Hannah was reluctant to offer: Lady and the Tramp featuring udon. As if that cleared anything up.

“Eh?”

Amanda steered the brunette from her teammate, placing the two of them at the edge of the water. “Forget about it, we have a princess to rile.” 

Sure enough those familiar platinum blonde waves had joined the leaf’s ripples on the far edge of the lake, princess-ettes – also definitely a word – in tow. Akko rapidly forgot anything not related to messing with her rival; forcing that snob to acknowledge her took the wheel. 

You’re disturbing the class Atsuko.  
Your handsigns are sloppy Atsuko.  
Stop fighting the class hamster for his carrots Atsuko.

Ok, maybe Diana had a point with that last one, but enough was enough! 

“Yosh! Amanda, gimme a minute to find a pancake rock and get ready to use gale palm.”

Sucy blinked at Akko from her cauldron. “The Uchihas use fire release techniques.” 

Akko blinked back, what did that have to do with anything? 

Lotte’s eyes on the other hand widened beyond a point Akko thought possible. “Fire… wind… Akko, no-”

Too late. Akko, yes. 

“Fuuton: Reppuushou!” Amanda blew every ounce of air into pronouncing her jutsu, clapping her hands together and emitting a powerful gale from between her palms. Akko launched her rock into the gale, a distinct sense of victory coming over her as she watched it sail toward the pier. Lotte and Sucy must’ve meant fire in the terms of how awesome this plan was turning out, Akko needed to get them up to speed on how to use slang more clearly. The thought was exhausting, those two had taken months to grasp even the basics of texting with emojis. Memories of P: and 3> haunted her witching hour. 

“Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu!” A commanding voice boomed barely a second later from the opposite side of the lake. A sphere of orange, white, and red flames the size of Akko’s studio apartment billowed out into the center of the lake and… straight into Akko’s rock and genius plan. 

A memory not related to emojis and ramen shot to the front of her mind: “The five basic elemental chakra natures can be thought of as a cycle. Fire, wind, lightning, earth and water; each is strong against the next, but weak against the technique that comes before. If a technique is pitted against another technique of a weaker nature, say fire technique against wind technique, the wind technique will not only be overpowered, but serve to reinforce the fire jutsu. It is vital that you discern your opponent’s chakra nature prior to using your own. In reality, chakra natures are much more complicated than the basic five, and multiple natures can be used in conjunction…” Enough with the internal lecture already, an increasingly large ball of fire was skipping across the lake toward her!

“Baka!” Amanda turned to Akko, panicked eyes dissolving her otherwise nonchalant air. “When I said I wanted to die at the hands of a hot girl this is not what I meant.”

“I just threw a rock, that’s your wind jutsu!” If Akko was going to be turned into fried food then no way it was gonna be fried chicken, she would win her last fight.

Sucy smashed their heads together before shoving the genius planners to the sides and kneeling to face the encroaching fireball. The handsigns were too fast for Akko’s eyes to follow, but there were enough of them for it to seem fancy enough to save the genin. 

“Suiton: Houmatsu Rappa!” The bored girl’s mouth yawned open and a stream of bubbles collided with the fireball, reducing Akko’s doom to a cloud of steam that halted barely a foot from the edge of the lake. Her teammate brushed her brown sweater off and returned to crouching beside the cauldron as if nothing had happened. 

Akko flopped onto the grass, shortly followed by Amanda, and let out a triumphant squeal. Rocks spilling tea or not, that display no doubt swept away Diana’s hoity-toity resting face. 

In her defense, Akko was right for once.

“Atsuko!” Akko groaned and shut her eyes at the sound, cutting off her view of the fluffy pink clouds floating across the horizon; sunsets were supposed to be peaceful, hadn’t she suffered enough today? 

“I should have known this reckless behavior would lead to Team Ursula.”

“Ok, first of all I told you to call me Akko. Second of all-”

“Second of all, you’re allowed to use contractions. Stop wasting our time, windbag,” Amanda interrupted.

“G’d p’nt!”

“No.”

Akko slapped her cheeks to refocus her argument on the target that mattered. “Second of all, that plan was all mine. Don’t blame Sucy and Lotte!”

“I only sign my name to good plans,” the former muttered. 

Diana glanced furtively at the bubbling cauldron; Akko could see the gears turning in her head, calculating whether or not to bother taking on whatever that was as well. Hannah and Barbara were slower than their leader. The dynamic duo’s panting just now came within earshot as they skidded to a halt in the sand on either side of Diana, arms crossed to complement her hands-on-hips stance. With a little snip of the hair here and a snip there, the scene would make a fantastic boyband cover; Akko could just see it. The Fan Boyz. 

“Bet you were pretty surprised.” Akko pumped every ounce of confidence she mustered into the statement. “We really let you think your fireball was a threat, but poof, no match for Team Ursula.”

“Didn’t she say the plan was hers a second ago?”

“Come onn Barbara, you need to lower your expectations of her. Look at that face, her braincell is trying!”

Diana lifted her hands from her hips and held them in front of the two, silencing their banter with the motion. “There is no shame in admitting your ‘plan’ was unforeseen; however, it was never my intention to threaten you. I truly did not know anyone else frequented the lake at this hour. I apologize for the fright.” She spoke with her eyes closed and back straightened as if taped to a wall. “It appears Manbavaran handled the escalation admirably, thank you.” 

“Diana being nice to me? That’s suspicious.” Almost as suspicious as whatever Sucy was back to stirring; a more insightful Akko would’ve taken a moment to process that, or allow Diana to. 

Akko ignored the scent of rotten eggs and marched straight up into Diana’s space. “What’s your problem?”

“Problem?” Diana cracked her blue eyes open, looking at Akko as if the question were ridiculous. “I do not have a, as you say, problem. Adversely, it would seem that you do.”

“Agh, I can’t take the walking thesaurus anymore. See ya around Akko, good luck with your girlfri- rival.”

“Don’t insult Diana like that!” Hannah left her position at Diana’s side to menacingly glare down, or up, at Amanda. “A no-good sloth like you has no right to judge an Uchiha. No, no right to even look at Diana!”

“My pleasure to never look at any of you again.”

“Are you calling me ugly?”

“Yeesh, seriously? Where do you get off-”

Any idiot could tell that that argument was gonna continue in circular logic, and Akko was an advanced idiot; drowning out yelling, most of the time directed at her, was a favorite talent. With half of Diana’s gang out of the picture, she felt even more confident in her confrontation. The brunette stretched onto her tippytoes to demand more attention, puffing her chest out under her bright orange jacket. Blue diverted its gaze from Hannah and met red. 

“Believe it!”

“That’s the dumbest way of saying ‘yes’ I’ve ever heard…” Barbara muttered to no-one in particular, the genin standing beside her locked in a stare-down. 

An indiscriminate amount of time passed. 

Diana broke the eye-contact. 

“Hannah, we came to investigate the source of the wind gale and our objective is complete. We should return to our respective homes and await news of the exam.” 

Mention of the remaining rounds of the chunin exam stirred the respective team members from their fits. Amanda slouched back into her relaxed position and with a half-hearted wave turned away from Team Finnelan, Conztance and Jasminka in tow. Lotte, who looked like she’d been holding her breath in for way too long and was fit to burst, let out a loud sigh of relief. Sucy continued stirring, but she hadn’t actually been a part of the riled mass. Hannah returned to Diana’s side; arms crossed at Akko but mind obviously elsewhere. 

Everyone was stirred from their fits except Akko. 

Sunset simultaneously held a beloved and hated place in her heart; it symbolized the peaceful conclusion to another day of training with the most important people in the world to her, with the friends guiding her toward becoming Hokage. Sunset likewise meant going home. Her heart pounding in her chest, terrified of letting this moment end, Akko did what only Akko could. 

“I challenge you to a-a duel!”

A rarity in the presence of the Uzumaki firebrand, silence fell over the scene. The lake regained its image of tranquility. Beyond the far shore, stragglers returning home from work, grocery runs, family outings to the park, strolled through the streets. Somewhere in the forest behind them a crow cawed, its notes distorted on the gentle breeze. Akko was sure her rival could hear the beating of her heart, Akko wanted her to hear it, wanted her to acknowledge it. 

“Duel?” Diana frowned and spun on her heel, speaking only once she was facing away. “Even if I desired to fight you, it is forbidden outside the exam.” Exuding stiffness, the Uchiha prodigy left.

A small hand wrapped around Akko’s forearm, halting her pursuit. “Let it go, Akko.”

Another silence hovered above them. Akko returned to throwing rocks, paying no attention to whether or not they skipped across the surface. What was Diana’s problem, acting like she had no problem?   
They were rivals after all, was it seriously too much to ask to get a little anger in return? Kages know Akko gave that girl plenty. What was wrong with Akko that she didn’t make Diana angry? The rock slipped from her hand; what was wrong with her that she wasn’t worth it?

Warmth pressed against her cheek, and the three-foot-high jump the touch incited, tore her from figuring that out. Sucy was holding a vial of bright green liquid out to her. “Here.” 

“Gah, you can’t sneak up on me like that Sucy. I don’t want that creepy warm goo.”

“Here,” she insisted, shoving the glass into Akko’s hands. “For the next round.”

Akko’s face, so often a flippant canvas of emotions, switched from confused shock to unease. “About the first exam…” She shifted uncomfortably, running her thumb along the vial. “I’m sorry. If we don’t make it.”

Sucy shook her head. “As a team, dummy.”

“Hey, who are you calling dummy!”

“There she is,” Lotte giggled. “We’d never blame you Akko.”

Akko pulled her fellow teammates into a hug before either could protest, crocodile tears streaming down her face. “You guys are the best team a shinobi could ask for!”

“Stop touching me.”

“Ah! Akko you’re squeezing me too hard!” 

Akko reluctantly released her hold. 

Sucy began to clean up her alchemy materials, the cauldron had vanished at some point during their hug? Lotte readjusted her headband before offering to help with the cleanup. “It’s getting late, we should head home too.” 

“Go on ahead without me.”

“Akko…”

“It’s cool Lotte, I just want to skip a few more rocks,” she smiled. “Don’t worry about me!”

The future Hokage waited until her friends were well out of sight to drop the smile and head into town, hands shoved deep into her jacket’s pockets. Vestiges of the sun’s presence remained; a dull red glow trickled across the dirt path in front of her, quickly replaced by the white of streetlamps. At this hour, only a few passersby kept her company. The stray cats and dogs were much more abundant. Akko performed her shadow mouse justu with a whisper and Tobi materialized on her shoulder. 

A metropolis in its own right, the Hidden Leaf Village was easily traversable by an energetic, young ninja. Akko clambered onto the nearest roof outside of prying eyes and giggled as she clanged across the rooftops, sandals waking up some of the grumpiest neighbors in the world. Not that any of them would ever catch her; Finnelan-sensei’s roof held the loudest clangs possible, a blessing in return for the grief she inflicted on Team Ursula. Or maybe a blessing to cause the grief, either way today was not the day to avoid…

Clack.

“Uzumaki!”

Akko was off before the shaking fist escaped the window. 

Her apartment was modest. A short entryway for her coats and shoes that led into a medium-sized room. To the left sat her kitchen, fit with stove, microwave – Ichiraku instant ramen necessity – and a fridge whose door would’ve been white if not for the abundance of paint splatters from her more creative days. Plain, personable paintings hung from the light yellow walls: stick figures representing Team Ursula from when nine-year-old Akko passed her entrance exam and received her shinobi headband, a less-than-flattering rendition of Chariot’s stone face, an outline of Ursula’s Alcor wallet, and to top it all off a newer painting of Akko herself standing in the signature red and white Hokage garb. The sole realistic decoration to grace the room was a framed picture of Akko’s parents taking her on a walk. She looked to be about three, with her parents facing away from the camera as the three walked hand-in-hand down the South Lake’s shore. Their faces obscured, Akko only knew her parents by her father’s dark brown hair and mother’s bright red locks. The girl had taken after her father. 

And in the background of the photo, the fireball pier. 

Akko flipped her shoes off and ran into the living area, flopping onto the creaking bed and splaying her arms out to the sides. 

“Looks like it’s just us again.”

“Squeak.”

“Huh?” Akko sat up; Tobi shimmered above a letter sitting atop the kitchen table. Reading before bed really wasn’t her style. She laid back down before a second squeak forced her to her feet. “Fine, it better be important.”

The letter held the official seal of the Hokage’s office. A lump formed in Akko’s throat; the first round of the chunin exam’s results, it had to be. She slipped her forefinger under the flap and opened the envelope, hands shaking as Team Ursula’s results fell out. 

She devoured its contents: Congratulations Team Ursula, you have advanced to the second stage of the Chunin Exams. Report to the base of the Hokage Rock steps at 9 A.M. Latecomers will be disqualified as a team.

“Yay!” In her excitement, Akko nearly ripped the letter in two. “Did you hear that Tobi? Round two! I’ll be a Hokage like Chariot in no time!”

Never mind that Tobi’s foggy form had been overcome by her flapping arms; tomorrow was another day to not be late.


	3. Special Report! Live from the Blood Moon Tunnels!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second part of the chunin exams is starting and the Hidden Leaf's beloved reporting crew isn't about to pass up on this source of hot takes! Who are the Hidden Leaf's voted top chunin candidates? Will Akko face another minotaur? How can you microwave ramen in caves?

“They can’t carve a half-ponytail on a stone face.”

Akko was too busy to reply to Sucy. Busy framing a rectangle with her fingers and moving it along Hokage rock to pick out where her future carving would fit best. The subdued tan of the mountain was in need of an update and Akko decided that once she was Hokage, painting on the cliff face would be allowed. Holbrooke’s visage without that mint green hair just didn’t satisfy her imagination; where was the creativity, the _flair_. It’s what the (in)famous Lord Seventh would’ve wanted and even Diana couldn’t argue against his will. 

“Rocks are boring,” Akko huffed, lowering her arms and turning to face her friends. Behind them stood a mass of genin, the other twelve teams to pass the written portion. They had been accumulating in the courtyard at the base of the stairs zigzagging up the mountainside for the past hour. Above them, the occasional door and hut on diagonal stilts poked out, housing the tunnels and shelters used by civilians to escape invasion. Shelters that hadn’t been used since the Noir Rod attack. All manner of ghost stories had weaved their way through Akko’s childhood; sneaking into the tunnels was a right of passage for all teenagers. 

Figures her right of passage would be overwritten by the chunin exam. 

The courtyard’s leaf mosaic was barely visible under the sea of sandals – Akko spotted a few red like hers. Copycats. It was a shame to spend this day underground. A handful of clouds blanketed the blue sky, he air was chill enough for a jacket but perfect for running without being a waterfall, and Akko’s second most frequented restaurant wafting the smell of fresh steamed pork buns her way…

“Do you think we’ll be here all day?”

“More like five days.” Three pairs of green sandals left the crowd and joined them. “You’ve gotta be kidding me Akko, did Ursula not tell you?

Sucy tilted her head to greet Team Nelson and returned Constanze’s first bump. Eh, when did they become close? Was there a physically endangering Akko club? “Akko was sleeping.”

“Only because you kept me up all night testing new potions!” Akko shot back. “And so what if I was? Shinobi are warriors. Lectures are no fun and don’t help me practice ninjutsu. Besides, we’re supposed to learn how to sleep in any setting.”

“That she remembers.”

Akko crossed her arms and pouted, shaking her head at the chicken and waffles chip offered by Jas. Contrary to Uchiha thought, she had enough dignity to go to the original source for that craving; though, by the looks of it, Amanda and co had tried out the new chicken-stuffed waffle buns. Now there was a peace offering. Totally uncool to not bring any for their beloved classmate.

“It seems a little unfair to host them underground. How will we stand a chance against earth users?" Lotte asked. 

Akko jutted her lower lip out to blow a stray bang to the side. “With our amazing jutsu? No way we’re losing.”

“Akko forgot she still doesn't know her chakra nature.”

_No Sucy, but thanks very little for that reminder._

“Wait, seriously? Akko, buddy, even I can’t condone that level of laziness.”

“It’s not laziness!” Her blood boiled at the implication; for the past month Akko had spent all her free time getting extra tutoring from Ursula. It just hadn’t clicked yet. Outwardly she kept up the confident air. “Who needs fancy chakra anyway? A believing heart is the only nature I need! We don’t need dirt for your awesome pacifying genjutsu anyway.”

“I guess-” Any other worries were shoved aside as a girl with spiky orange hair, glittering microphone, and yellow headband tied around her waist to accommodate her hatband weaved her way through the crowd. Joanna and Kimberly struggled to follow suite; lugging camera equipment made for a less graceful bulldozer effect. 

“Forget about your weapons folks, the only ninja stars worth noting are standing in front of us!” Wangari launched into her next news piece, mouth practically spewing words at the speed of sound. “It’s 9:50 A.M., ten minutes from the start of the second exam phase, and by the looks of it the participants are chomping at the bit! You cast your votes and now it’s time to meet the Hidden Leaf’s top two chunin candidates!”

_Took Team Pisces long enough to get here._

Akko smoothed down her jacket and readjusted her headband. It was time to get her due. Intended or not, her outburst during the written exam and the **giant freaking fireball** had no doubt gotten their attention. Wangari pivoted on her heels and directed her mad dash in Team Ursula’s direction. 

“Here it comes.” About time Amanda got on the same page. 

Back straight, eyes closed, a flick of her hair over the shoulder; oh Akko couldn’t wait to see Diana’s reaction to Akko finally stealing the spotlight. _See it after I open my eyes… how does she see anything? And where are the questions already?_ Akko opened an eye just enough to get a glimpse of what was going on without disturbing the Uchiha façade. 

“Amazing! In second place we have the heartthrob leader of Team Appleton from the Hidden Sand.” Akko gaped at the realization that Wangari had in fact not approached her. Yet. Surely it was yet, whoever this ‘heartthrob’ was had placed second after all. She glanced at the genin from Sunagakure: blond, brown, and blond. They looked like a reverse Oreo. And Akko destroyed Oreos. “Andrew,” Wangari addressed the brown-haired boy, who appeared for all the world to have not registered her presence, “word around town is that you’ve restricted your team to the use of taijutsu in the claim that ninjutsu and genjutsu are ‘outdated’ and ‘detrimental’ to humanity’s future.”

“Was there a question?” Cold, distant. That boy could give Diana a run for her money on the uptight scale. 

“Two,” Akko muttered.

Lotte tore her eyes from Team Appleton to consider the mathematical explanations behind her teammate’s outburst. “Huh?”

“I have two rivals now!”

Amanda failed to hold in a snicker. “Diana’s gonna be jealous.”

“Eh? Diana knows him? Are they rivals?!”

“Kages you’re denser than the mountain,” Amanda scoffed. 

Akko threw the rebel a menacing look, a whole step above puppy-dog eyes on the Akko Uzumaki intimidation scale, and tuned back in to the special report. Amanda sure was one to talk, even Akko noticed the abundance of 'glares' she sent in Team Finnelan's direction.

“Any words of advice for your fellow chunin hopefuls?”

“These exams are a farce. Celebrating the ‘magical’ side of ninjutsu, the source of every war to tear apart the continent, is a farce. When I win the tournament in round three based on taijutsu alone, I will have served my purpose of demonstrating this fact.”

In the words of a certain Uchiha, Akko thought he was insufferable. Still, nothing excited her more than the addition of another walking thesaurus to convince of the wonder behind ninjutsu. 

“Brrr! There you are folks, your second most anticipated genin: the prodigy of physicality! But I know the real reason you’re watching. Just this morning as I dashed to cover the hottest story in town, I saw the Land of Fire’s feudal lord entourage; just like him, the feudal lords from all over the continent have come to watch the third round of the exam. And like you, they have their most anticipated potential. It’s time to see who’s behind door number 1!” Wangari made a show of pulling out a white envelope and procuring a piece of paper; Akko’s pulse quickened and she resumed her poise. _Yosh! It's gotta be me this time!_

“Who is the Hidden Leaf’s favorite genin?” _Mou, get on with it already Wangari – the exam starts in like three minutes!_

Silence was the mortal enemy of any reporter, a sign of forgotten lines or misfired commentary; in this moment, it was Wangari’s source of magnetism. Every soul, from the already invested Leaf residents to the grumpy Hidden Rain genin who had snickered at the news team's arrival, had their eyes glued to the microphone. Obviously relishing the attention, Wangari raised a hand and swept her index finger over the crowd, giddy smile tugging at her exhausted lips. 

Swept over the crowd and came to a rest on…

“Diana Uchiha of Team Finnelan!” Akko’s heart fell at the words, how was she supposed to maintain her rivalries with Diana - and now Andrew - if Wangari refused to address it?! She glared daggers at the reporter, who brushed past her completely unaware. 

“EH?”

“Nobody saw that coming.” It was clear from Sucy’s tone that nobody consisted of Akko and Akko alone.

“Diana, what awe-inspiring jutsu do you have in store for us? Can we expect a display of your sharingan? Are you worried about the competition?”

“An Uchiha doesn’t worry, it is unbefitting of our stature,” Diana answered. “As for the sharingan, I do not expect to have need of it.” A small twitch of her eye, a reaction that only a rival intent on picking up any hint of weakness could pick up on. The suspicion that Diana’s confidence was faked pissed Akko off more than if it had been real. 

Amanda flicked Akko’s forehead. “That’s your cue baka.”

Exposing Diana for the perfection fraud she was, now there was a plan! Lotte and Sucy’s exchanged look of exasperation be Kage’d, Akko brushed off her self-doubts and stomped across the courtyard to make her televised debut.

“Hah!” She yelled. “No way Diana can beat me without that shinygan.”

“ _Sharingan._ ”

“Shari, shiny, whatever.” Diana bristled, there was the rise Akko wanted out of her. The brunette returned the scowl with a grin, luck was meant to be pushed. “If it’s so special, why not use it now?”

“The sharingan is not ‘special’, it is a manifestation of decades of Uchiha heritage and tradition. As with many high-level jutsu, it comes with a price. Not that sacrifice is a concept I’d except someone like you to understand.” 

“Oh yeah? Like you know about sacrifice. Your life is a silver platter!”

“My life was handed to me on a silver platter.”

“Eh?”

“If you’re going to insist on using inane idioms then I insist you use them correctly. As for your question-”

“Uzumaki!” Akko flinched at the voice that had incited giggles just the night before, her body creaking like an old cog as she turned to face the new proctor. Disapproval bored into her from above a hooked nose. 

Akko scratched the back of her head and put on her best innocent smile. “Finnelan-sensei! Good morning, we were just… I was just…”

“Save your excuses for after the exam.” The bona fide grinch cleared her throat and removed herself from the teenage drama to speak to the entire group. Striding up a few steps and turning to face the crowd, Finnelan stood with a dozen jonin at her side; Akko hadn’t seen so many advanced shinobi gathered together since graduation, their green flak jackets served as a reminder of why she was there. Become a chunin, become a jonin, become Hokage, show Diana up along the way, no distractions, would green fit her as well as orange? Would it make her look too much like Christmas with the red headband and sandals? Akko didn’t want to let go of her signature look… 

No distractions!

“Any self-respecting shinobi,” a pointed glance at Akko, “knows that the tunnels behind us lead to shelters in the event of attack; however, the extent of the tunnels is less than known. Children’s ghost tales barely hold a candle to reality. The passages cut miles into the depths of Hokage Rock, forming with their interwoven paths a labyrinth decipherable by Hidden Leaf jonin alone. At the center of the labyrinth is your destination: Blood Moon cavern. Each team will be teleported to a random location equidistant from the center and has five days to reach it.” 

Excited chattering filled the air. Akko swore she smelled every morsel of food being double checked and wistfully glanced at, her mind inevitably wandered to the backpack tugging at her shoulders. Stuffed with instant ramen and pickled plums... five days was a lot to go on for a pack of food… especially when a full pack only constituted a single Akko day. 

Another clearing of the throat. “Reaching Blood Moon cavern is a third of your trial. Before teleporting, a member of your team will come to the stand,” Finnelan indicated a tent with white canvas extending to the cobblestones. Whatever laid inside escaped the most eager of prying eyes, “and retrieve either a Heaven scroll or Earth scroll. In order to pass the second stage, your team must have _at least_ one of each. I wish to stress that now is the last opportunity for backing out. Nothing is forbidden within the tunnels. While we recommend non-lethal force and trade as mechanisms of advancement, each chunin exam brings with it death’s toll. And not only in the form of your fellow shinobi; beyond the patrol depths lie all manner of creatures. I repeat, now is the last chance to reconsider.”

All adventures start with dangerous creatures and unforeseen odds. 

“I heard that there are rare poisonous mushrooms in Blood Moon cavern.” Sucy’s enthusiasm was palpable, that was two out of three ready to go. Lotte’s indecision was equally palpable. 

Akko gently squeezed the blonde's shoulder. “Hey, we can do this!” She wanted to add that it was okay to wait, to not participate this year, to go and train with Ursula today instead. She wanted to add it, but her own will to move forward as a shinobi suppressed the words. 

“If you say so then I trust you,” Lotte smiled.

“This is the perfect chance to show Team Finnelan _and_ Team Appleton up, getting their scrolls will be a noodle of ramen.”

“Scrolls? Plural? But Akko, we only need-”

“Diana insulted Chariot. Andrew insulted the wonders of ninjutsu. We need those scrolls!”

Lotte dropped her point, there was no stopping Akko once she’d made up her mind. 

The three genin of varying pep levels waited in line, Akko hopping in place to see over the sea of heads. 8, 7, 6, gah how were there so many teams. That math test had been too hard for non-geniuses. Her time to shine and enter the tent came slowly, Lotte and Sucy let her be the one to pick the scroll - or rather barely dodged Akko barreling inside the moment a blue sandal popped out the opposite end. The thickness of the canvas lent the space a dank atmosphere; Akko squeezed her eyes shut and counted to ten before opening them in hopes of having adjusted. 

A caped – seriously, who wears capes? – woman sat at a table, face obscured by a bear Anbu Black Ops mask, but Akko could feel the smirk radiating from underneath. 

“Team Ursula?” The-woman-who-had-never-heard-of-Edna-Mode asked. 

Akko nodded to the point of dizziness and stumbled forward; hands held out in anticipation.   
“What special powers do the scrolls give us? Are they in a super-secret language? I’m not the best at studying languages, but-”

The woman slapped a Heaven scroll into Akko’s palms along with an unpleasant sting.

“Don’t open it.”

“What? Why not?”

“Or open it, what’s another vanished team?” Akko gulped and lifted her thumb from fiddling with the clasp. The woman laughed; her bossy and I’m-better-than-you tone reminded Akko of Diana. But Diana was familiar, and Akko’s forgetfulness didn’t extend to not recognizing a fellow leaf ninja by voice. And a jonin at that! And where was that ominous techno beeping sound coming from? Autotune and EDM populated her workout playlists. This beat did not inspire dancing. 

“Time is of the essence, Akko. I’d advise you to move on while you can.”

“O-ok! Thank you!” What was _that_ supposed to mean? Akko frowned as she pushed open the exit flap and reintroduced herself to sunlight. Creepy lady needed a lamp in there to lighten the mood. 

“She’s still holding it.”

“Akko, put the scroll away before someone sees!” Lotta and Sucy waved her over as she stuffed the scroll among her microwaveable… oh Kages, how was Akko going to make microwaveable ramen in caves? The clump of animated genin had dispersed, trios standing atop teleportation platforms as they waited for the exam to begin. Akko searched for two genin in particular: Diana stood atop platform 1 and Andrew platform 2. She couldn’t believe it, even the proctors had betrayed Akko’s qualifications!

“Did you guys know the Anbu are here?”

“Anbu?” Lotte swung her skull-shaped lantern at her side; the poor flame spirit waved its arms to get her to stop, but the nervousness train had left the station. “I know the exams are serious, but the Anbu only get called out for village-level matters… Are the proctors expecting something bad?”

Akko heard village-level matters and nothing else. “I bet the Anbu are classy enough to become Hokage.”

“They live in secrecy and receive no recognition from the public for their missions,” Sucy interjected.

Just like that, the brief fantasy of becoming a super-spy evaporated. “Back to the chunin exams then!’

Team Ursula stood on platform 27 and waited.   
And waited.  
And Akko hated waiting. “What’s taking so longggg?”  
And… a blinding flash of light.

Akko began her sentence facing the pastel roofs of her hometown and finished in a narrow hallway carved into the quartzite mountain. Flickering torches stretched in front and behind her at odd intervals, their glow illuminating half of the spaces between. 

Torches, another staple of any good adventure. She reached out and plucked the nearest one from its sconce. 

“Yosh! We have a torch. We have one of the scrolls-”

Sucy plucked a torch for herself. “Every team has one.”

“- and I bet the Blood Moon cavern is down there!” Disinterested red eyes and skeptical blue ones followed Akko’s point.

“Are you sure Akko? There’s less light that way…”

“Exactly, expect the unexpected Lotte. That’s like, shinobi lesson number one.” Spoken like a true explorer accustomed to anything and everything life could throw her way. Not one to be all bark with no bite, Akko swaggered forward, head held high. This direction also held the closest bend and Akko would be lying to herself if she said the idea of skidding around it, torch in hand, to face a horrifying minotaur or – oh yes – _gorgon_ didn’t occupy ninety percent of her thoughts. 

“What if we run into demons? I swear I saw floating red eyes back there.” A disembodied voice ricocheted from the other side. Jackpot! Team Ak-Ursula’s first victims!

“Demons or no, these trials are expected of us as shinobi and years of training have lent us the skills necessary.”

Akko skidded around the corner and slammed into her least-biggest fan.   
_Snakes or no, closest I’ll get to Medusa._

Hannah and Barbara let out complementary gasps as their leader was toppled to the ground, contents of both teams’ bags scattering at their feet. Provisions, first aid kits, navigation tools, an alcor plushie… and two scrolls. 

“Dibs!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No. Capes.  
> Proud to say I actually have some form of outline for where the originally one-shots are gonna go!
> 
> Shoutout to Chris529 for the italics help!


	4. Yeet or be Yeeted: Panic in the Mountain!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's day one in Hokage Rock and everything goes according to "plan".  
> Diana, Andrew, obliviousness, Yeet or be Yeeted has it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Diakko fans come get y'all juice

Akko struggled under Hannah and Barbara’s iron-tight grips; she had to get free, she **needed** to get free. Amanda would never let Akko live it down if she gave in to shinobi who screamed at the sight of cracked nail polish!

“You’lf nefer take me alif,” Akko mumbled into the wet cloth covering her mouth. 

Diana gripped Akko’s chin gently but firmly and held the cloth in place. “Stop squirming, your impulsive tendencies landed you in this mess.” The Leaf favorite drew back the cloth and huffed at the sight of blood, her free hand moved to pinch the bridge of her nose. “Honestly, Atsuko, this is ridiculous.”

“Afko,” she attempted to correct Diana and slid her tongue over the gap in her front teeth. Two Heaven scrolls sat to the side, forgotten immediately following the… fight. As Akko insisted on calling it. 

In reality the scene had been incredibly anticlimactic…

Ignoring whether or not Team Finnelan’s scroll was what she needed, Akko dove for it. Before untangling her legs from the mess of Uchiha, bags, and extremely slippery foods. It wasn’t her fault Hannah and Barbara insisted on packing every form of marmalade. The nefarious fruit chunks took Akko’s feet out from under her and, well, she deduced that the tunnel walls looked hard for a reason. 

“Oh my god, do you know how rare pumpkin spice marmalade is?” Hannah screeched. “And that’s without the current shortage. Barbara’s dad went all the way to the Hidden Mist to find White Paw brand!”

Sure enough, the shards of glass displayed pieces of the renowned white dog paw – courtesy of White Paw’s Inuzuka shareholders. Barbara quickly scooped up the intact jars and a book whose title suspiciously resembled the latest installment in Konoha’s own guilty pleasure book series: _Make-Out Nightfall_. Akko recognized it from the scandalous posters and billboards that dotted her less-than-noble neighborhood and hold on, hadn’t she seen a similar book among Lotte’s things? 

Diana disregarded her squashed teabags and knelt at Akko’s side before she proceeded to flip the sprawled girl over to inspect the damage. To put it mildly, Akko hated being manhandled in that way; there was a reason she held the record for most escapes from the Hidden Leaf Hospital. Owing her rival anything? No thanks. But the second the fearless shinobi opened her mouth to protest, she felt the warmth of blood trickling down her face and a metallic taste drowned out any words. 

“You appear to have split your upper lip and knocked out one of your front teeth,” Diana stated dryly and reached for her team’s first-aid kit. “Hannah, Barbara, Lotte, Su- ah, disregard that. You three, help me.” 

Betrayal! Akko shot kunai at Lotte; how could she take orders from the enemy? Was this related to that book? How long had the quiet blonde been in cahoots with Barbara? Wait- what _top-secret_ info had she shared?

“No!” Akko flailed and backed into the wall; the very same cool stone that had gotten her into this mess blocked her tactical retreat. 

“Common courtesy dictates that I aide my fellow shinobi, please don’t make this difficult,” Diana sighed.

Hannah laughed and winked at Barbara before the two restrained Akko, who held her mouth shut for the first time in her life. “Aw, can we reconsider? I think the tooth gap suits her.” Wow, a compliment from Hannah? “It fits the toddler.” 

So there the two teams were, holding the ‘toddler’ in place while Diana attempted to stem the bleeding. A light green glow radiated from the Uchiha’s hand and travelled through the cloth to leave Akko with a pleasant sensation similar to numbness. 

The washcloth was light blue with white daisies that had been painstakingly stitched by hand. Akko reached out when Diana lifted the cloth and traced one of the outlines. In this closeness, she could see tiny scars on her rival’s pale hands. Scars that came from the prick of needles. Akko knew from experience; it had been a long road to decide on painting as her creative outlet. 

“Why daisies?” Akko surprised herself with the clarity of her words and let go of the cloth to touch her no longer swollen lip. Her tongue jutted forward, flabbergasted as it met something solid. “You can grow teeth?”

“In a sense. Medical ninjutsu have been passed down among the female Uchiha for generations. My mother trained me before… before the Academy.” Diana delicately folded the washcloth on her knees before she stood up and wiped the dust from her clothes. “As for the daisies, I find their aura cheerful.” 

She did not offer to help Akko up.   
Lotte took over that role. “Are we still, you know?” She whispered. 

The trauma of being babied by her rival had shoved the plan of capturing Diana’s scroll farthest from her mind. She frowned and scratched the back of her head, regardless of whether or not it itched. “I’m not sure. I mean Diana did give me a tooth. But she’s also the reason I lost it in the first place.”

“That was all you,” Sucy said. “And they’re going in the opposite direction. We should to, the Blood Moon Cavern is probably that way.” 

Diana coughed loudly, as if waiting to be noticed. 

“We’re kinda busy here,” Akko muttered and didn’t give her the satisfaction. “Ok you might have a point Sucy, but my fantastic directional skills got us here!”

“I think we should let them go.”

“Ahem.” Akko glanced over this time. A tinge of red had crept up Diana’s neck; oh the agony of being ignored. Akko had no sympathy. 

Still… Akko turned back to the planning session. “Whatever we do’s gotta be quick. Diana looks hotter than a volcano…”

“I’m telling Amanda,” Sucy snickered. 

“I don’t mean like that!”

“Ahem!”

“What?”

“You’re in the way.”

“What?”

Diana tapped her foot impatiently and gestured at the three of them sitting and/or squatting across the width of the hallway. “Please move.”

There was no reason to fight. Team Finnelan had the same Heaven scroll. Diana had helped Akko. Even so…

“Make me.”

“Atsuko-”

“It’s _Akko_.”

“Fine. Akko. It’s unclear how far this Blood Moon Cavern is from our respective starting points, and even with five days every moment that passes is one less to reach the goal. Wasting time in-”

A blood-curdling scream swept around the bend and vibrated against Akko’s eardrums. The future Hokage jumped up and raced back the way she’d come without waiting for Diana to finish. 

Sucy’s slightly widened eyes were the last thing she saw before rounding the corner. “Did she just run towards the thing screaming…?”

“Let’s go!” Lotte’s words fought to be heard over the rush of stale air streaming past Akko’s face. 

Akko had hoped Finnelan was exaggerating with the whole doom-and-gloom labyrinth comparison. She wasn’t. If it weren’t for the scream continuing in its drawn-out, adrenaline inducing manner, the brunette would’ve become lost in seconds. Finnelan had mentioned dangerous creatures, was this a result of them? Even worse, the thought that a fellow shinobi had caused this level of pain chipped away at Akko’s optimism. She shook her head and slapped her cheeks; whatever the cause, she needed to be the effect. 

The tunnel began to widen in front of her clacking sandals, the torches illuminated even less of the gray surface the farther she ran. Enough time had passed that Akko was panting, a rare sound given the numerous daily occurrences that required high-speed getaways. The gray beneath her feet started to give way to a deeper black. Sedimentary in appearance on the outside, the geology of Hokage Rock was undoubtedly volcanic at its core, as with many geologic features on the continent. The sight allowed for dragon fantasies to join medusa and the minotaur. 

Akko’s breath caught in her throat at the sight. An underground crater, the open space that awaited her resembled a crater later coated by layer after layer of rock. Fit with a towering roof and pit at least twenty feet deep and fifty across, the black surface would’ve been smooth if not for the four figures standing at the center. 

_Evil Oreo_ , Akko’s last thoughts before she skittered down the slope to join the fray. 

Team Appleton was harassing the Hidden Rain genin who’d pushed Akko the day before. The Rain teammates were nowhere to be seen and the poor boy clutched his Heaven scroll – seriously, did anyone have Earth or was that another trick? – as if his life depended on it. And in the chunin exams, it did. The insufferable and oh wow, he was actually pretty handsome maybe Wangari had a – no, the insufferable Andrew faced his victim with pursed lips. 

He sighed and ran a hand through his short brown hair. “There is no need for this to be difficult. I apologize for the dire manner in which this escalated, but there is a simple solution: hand over your scroll and we’ll let you go.”

Akko proceeded to notice two things: the Rain genin’s leg was bent the wrong way, and the angrier of the blonds was smirking at the sight. 

“Akko?” Lotte’s voice echoed from the hallway above, and just like that the Evil Oreo noticed the short shinobi creeping in for a sneak attack. 

Akko rose from her crouch and pointed finger guns at the taijutsu users. “Freeze or I’ll release my, uh, dragon fire bullet jutsu!”

“I’ll hand this,” the angry blond growled. 

Happy blonde grabbed his shoulder. “Hold on Louis, she looks innocent enough.” 

“She’s a kunoichi, Frank. They’re not to be trusted.” Andrew moved from the crumpled genin and faced Akko. “Looks can be deceiving.”

“A fact you are well acquainted with, Andrew.” Diana materialized at the top of the crater with Lotte, Sucy, Hannah, and Barbara in tow. Where Akko had scrambled down the slip-face, Diana descended with ease, a hand placed on her hip to reenforce the fact. Akko bit the inside of her cheek, _show-off_. “After all, you craft a guise of having honor and standards, yet allow your teammates to behave like animals.” 

“I refuse to stand by and let some washed out Uchiha call me an animal,” Louis snarled, fists raised as he approached Diana. 

With all three of the Team Appleton genin facing the newcomers, the Rain shinobi crawled away. Akko watched him and smiled when he threw her a grateful glance; a smile that faded when it dawned on her that without his scroll, Team Appleton would turn to her – or Diana – for their prize. Which, speaking of, how had she let herself get distracted from not one but both of her rivals?   
_Focus, Akko!_ Yes, focusing, back to the drama of her rivals that seemed to know each other. _Thanks for that lack of info Amanda._ a fact you are well acquainted with, Diana.”

Lotte and Barbara inhaled sharply, which confirmed Akko’s suspicions of the two being avid _Night Fall_ fans. Akko listened to Diana and Andrew speak as if they were old friends and it make her uncomfortable. Formed a pit in her stomach. She wanted them far apart. Unreasonably so. 

Must be a side-effect of rivalries. 

“Back off. “Akko flung herself into the middle of her second confrontation that day. “Diana’s my rival, if anyone fights her it’s gonna be me!”

Andrew raised an eyebrow. “Rivals?”

“We- I- no. Akko, now isn’t the time.”

Akko spun on Diana and funneled her discomfort into a determined glare. “I challenge you to a duel!”

Hannah face palmed. “Not this again, read the room Akko!”

“I can’t!” She shot back and quickly adjusted her wording. “Won’t. I can. Read that is.” Akko slapped her cheeks for the third time. “Duel me!” 

“I don’t understand, we both have Heaven scrolls why would I-”

“Enough of this!” Louis latched onto Akko’s shoulder and launched the Hokagette through the air. She crashed into the remaining members of Team Ursula and Team Finnelan and bowled them over like dragon-sized pins. _Note to self: volcanic rocks have lots of pores but aren’t cushiony like those useless foam balls we use in dodgeball._

Her red eyes settled on the fight in front of them, transfixed. Of course Akko had fought Diana over the years, everyone had. Of course Akko had watched these other fights, and unsuccessfully strained to notice any tells or possible advantages. But watching Diana fight like her life, and by extension those of her teammates, depended on it was…

_Wow._

Wangari’s words rang true; this Louis was a hand-to-hand combat prodigy, but Diana’s blue eyes washed over every movement and she flowed to block or dodge each attack at the last second. Frank darted out from behind Louis to join the fight and Diana rolled backwards to allow for room to strategize. Her hands flashed in front of her faster than Akko’s eyes could follow. 

“Katon: Housenka no Jutsu!”

When Sucy spit a stream of bubbles it had reminded Akko of an angrily drowning lobster. Diana shooting a volley of smaller fireballs was… _double wow_. The fireball over the lake contained multiple colors, but each of these smaller puffs embodied a single shade; Akko’s eyes sparkled under the light of red, pink, blue, purple, yellow, even green. The warm rainbow embodied the beauty behind ninjutsu that Akko wished to show the world. 

**Snap!**

Akko whipped to her right at the sound to see Sucy lower a polaroid camera. The pink-haired girl shrugged with a smirk. “You were gawking.”

“I- I can do better that that!” Akko insisted and filed another mental note to steal that picture before it made its way into a certain rebel’s hands. Having a picture of the gorgeous, eh, jutsu was just a   
secondary benefit! Afraid that Sucy would notice how warm her ears were and take it the wrong way – what, fire’s hot and Akko didn’t bring sunscreen for a cave trip – she stumbled forward to help Diana.   
**Intending** to help Diana. 

For events to not go as planned, there needed to be a plan. Akko plunged forward with as little thought toward self-preservation as she had had before losing that tooth. 

“Akko, stay back!”

Andrew measured the concern on Diana’s face and took the millisecond that the Uchiha lifted her eyes from him as his opening. A sandalled foot smacked into Akko’s head, bringing with it memories of that strange dream where she was at some kind of magic high school and also it was _Sleeping Beauty_? Oh right, the foot to the face; Akko fell over, again, and hopped up, again, to face the heartthrobs at Diana’s side. 

Diana didn’t look like she appreciated the brunette’s heroic interference. “I have this under control, please return to Hannah and Barbara. The Sand genin are quite advanced taijutsu users. I fear I can’t fight them and protect you at the same time.”

“Good thing I’m not asking you to,” Akko snorted. “I hit my head a lot, it’s cool.”

“Akko-”

“No! I can’t back down or leave you to fight alone, not if I’m gonna be Hokage. Chariot inspired people to use ninjutsu to bring peace and happiness to the world, and this baka is trying to tear apart her dream. Yeah you’re a total party pooper-”

“I beg your pardon?”

Somewhere behind Akko Sucy muttered, “then beg.” 

“-but you’re a Hidden Leaf party pooper, so my will of fire includes making you happy.”

“Agh!” Louis howled. “This girl sounds like a cliché dumb until she talks about her dream protagonist. Can we kill her already?”

“Come at me bro- eh, kill?”

The lanky boy’s hand rushed forward and clutched Akko’s jaw in a less-than-gentle but firm grip and squeezed until she squeaked. “Yes, baka, kill. Whatever fantasies you have about this Uchiha mean nothing here. Allow me to acquaint you with reality.” Mortal peril likewise meant nothing compared to that word choice. Akko didn’t fantasize about anything with Diana. It was stupid. This boy was stupid.   
Her squeak transitioned into a yelp as his grip tightened and the severity of the situation finally dawned on her.

“Shadow mouse jutsu!” She spat out and Tobi poofed into existence on top of Louis’ flat hair. As with all loyal smoke pets, he stomped to defend his master. 

The mouse was the last straw. Team Appleton’s remaining patience evaporated with the wave of Frank’s hand that _murdered_ Tobi. They drew kunai, the screech of steel echoing through the cavern. The Suna engraving flashed before Akko’s eyes along with her life – it had too little Ichiraku meals in it – but a pale hand flashed faster and halted the weapon a hairsbreadth away from the point between Akko’s eyes. She gulped and looked to Diana, expecting to meet her blue eyes. 

They were red, deeper than the scarlet of Akko’s and uneasily reminiscent of blood. Her rival’s pupils were encircled by a black wheel with a single tomoe sitting on the ring. And lack of light be Kage’d, Diana’s eyes glowed with a hatred that sent a shiver down Akko’s spine. A subsequent shiver racked Akko to her core as Diana twisted Louis’ hand around and pressed the knife against his throat. 

“D-Diana?” Akko wrapped her fingers around her ghostly white knuckles. 

Diana blinked, dropped the kunai, wobbled backwards, fell to her knees, and slapped her free hand over her eyes. Her rival’s retreat from the fight happened so fast that Akko was left with a spur of the moment decision to make. 

She thrust her Heaven scroll toward the Sand team. “This is what you wanted right? Take it and go!” 

“Not going to happen, not after she just-”

Andrew took the scroll and slapped Louis’ upper arm with it. “We’ve wasted enough time on these clowns.” With that, the infuriating boy walked away, Frank in tow. 

Louis was hesitant in his departure. “This isn’t over.”

Akko watched them leave before squatting beside Diana, quickly joined by the remaining Leaf genin. 

“What’s wrong with her?” She asked. 

“Nothing,” Hannah snapped. “Diana just… she…”

“I prefer not to use the sharingan.” All five girls jumped out of their skins at the unsuspected sound. Talk about a fast emotional recovery. Diana forced a smile. “The activation and use of the Uchiha kekkei genkai have rather negative connotations. I’m fine, truly. And Akko.” The blonde reached out and awkwardly patted Akko on the shoulder. “Thank you, you didn’t have to do that.”

“Don't be stupid!" Everyone cringed at Akko's accusation. "You heard what I said about making a party pooper like you happy too. I’ll just get another scroll.”

“We need two,” Sucy pointed out. 

“Two? Oh man! I completely forgot about an Earth scroll.” Akko swung to face Lotte and Sucy, and at the sight of her best friends a surge of conflicting emotions brought tears to her eyes. She didn’t regret offering up their scroll but… “I’m sorry! I totally forgot the whole scrolls thing. Well I forgot the whole chunin exam thing to be honest and, eh- but we can still do this! Five days is, like, forever!”

“She really is like a cliché protagonist,” Lotte whispered to Barbara, who giggled in response. 

Hannah rolled her eyes at the friend group intruder. “Only idiots are.”

Diana rose to her feet and flipped her hair over her shoulder. With hands on hips she smiled at Akko. “I believe I owe you a scroll. Let’s go, together.”

Akko scrunched up her nose, deep in thought. Teaming up, now that could be something, but…

“Nah.”

Hannah choked on air, Barbara nearly passed out, Lotte muttered incomprehensibly, and Sucy nodded cryptically. While Diana, Diana blinked in what Akko read as feigned confusion. 

“Pardon?”

“Together? So you can take steal the Earth scroll and beat us to the Blood Moon Cavern? Yeah, right!” Akko crossed her arms triumphantly. “You can’t trick me, I’m the future Hokage you know.”

“Believe me that is not my intentio-”

Akko fished Sucy’s mysterious green potion from her pocket. _Yosh, time to shine little guy_. It shattered against the basalt and enveloped the teams in a cloud of green smoke that smelled   
alarmingly like rotten fish – maybe it’d be best to not return to the lake for a while, for the sake of Akko’s sense of smell. Team Finnelan’s disgusted groans and coughs cut through the haze. She saw a hand moved to dispel the smoke, but Akko was a fast thinker. She grabbed her friends’ hands and dragged them into flight. They ran into a random tunnel, neither the one they’d come through nor the one Team Appleton had slunk down. 

“Yay! C’mon guys, we got scrolls to win!”

Pride bloomed in Akko’s chest at the thought of her stroke of genius. She knew she wasn’t the smartest noodle in the pot, but falling for what was clearly a trap? 

She wasn’t that oblivious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be fair, the juice vine ends with a screaming girl sliding into an oven so...  
> yeah
> 
> Rip Tobi.
> 
> "Those are daisies, I find them cheerful."


	5. Showdown: Akko vs. the Scruffiest Scroll-bearer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's day five and Team Ursula has not one, not two, but zero scrolls! How are they ever going to advance to the next phase of the Chunin Exam?
> 
> Or the one where Akko's willingness to be Sucy's test subject finally catches up with her and leads to wacky antics - and a somewhat emotional scene at the end - but mainly shenanigans. 
> 
> Because, I mean, shenanigans.

Three days had passed since the crater confrontation. Three days! And Akko and co hadn’t come across a single other team in the tunnels. Scratch that, Akko and co hadn’t come across anything else in the tunnels. Well, almost nothing; one of the chambers had a bunch of shady looking mushrooms in it. Akko sighed at the memory of animated, happy Sucy. Day three had been a good day. But this was day five, where were her challengers??

“This sucks.” Akko kicked a loose pebble out of frustration and disregarded the fact that it gave away their position. It clattered down the dark basalt hallway; identical to the dozens of tunnels they’d passed through since confronting Team Appleton. The trio had stopped at another fork to strategize. “I thought these chunin exams were supposed to be exciting and filled with danger, not boring!”

“We’d be done by now if you hadn’t pushed Diana away,” Sucy replied from her hunched over position. 

Akko wasn’t a fan or her tone, or the clicking of glass bottles. “Mou, not this again…”

Lotte stepped between them before the twentieth rendition of the Diana Being Sneaky vs. Diana Tried to Help Us argument began. “There was a passage in the Seventh Hokage’s biography that mentioned a similar problem during his exam. It was also day five for Team 7 and they needed the second scroll, so they decided to look for the remaining teams near the tower at the center of the Forest of Death. It makes sense for that to apply here too! We can’t be the only ones left without both, and anyone else will be as close as possible to Blood Moon Cavern by now. We just have to keep heading there.”

Sucy stopped her rustling and nodded toward the fork. “We don’t know where ‘there’ is.”

Akko had no time for pessimism. A slight breeze carrying the scent of fresh water wafted from the left passage, while the right held the same stale air as before. 

“Right, right? Water and fresh air means left goes outside.”

“Or Blood Moon Cavern might have an underground lake.”

“Lotte,” Akko turned to Team Ursula’s resident scholar, who was used to letting Akko and Sucy argue over directions while she fed twigs to her fire spirit. “Does Blood Moon Cavern have a lake?”

“Oh, uh, I don’t actually know…”

“Can’t you ask the spirits?”

“That might work, but spirits live around strong emotional artifacts. I don’t sense any nearby.”

“Lure them in with Akko’s free ramen coupon.”

Akko pouted at Sucy before she turned her pleading eyes to Lotte. Risking her prized possession for another Sucy plan couldn’t be the answer. “What about your genjutsu?”

“I don’t know…”

Akko slapped her hands together and bowed in front of her friend. “Please? If there are any spirits it’ll draw them out. I know it!”

“Alright Akko, I’ll try.” Lotte sat cross-legged and closed her eyes. Akko proceeded to squat directly in front of her friend and stare. Intensely. A blue eye cracked open and Lotte frowned. “I need to concentrate pretty hard for this genjutsu.”

“Yup!”

Akko didn’t move.

“Without distractions.”

“Of course!” _Silly Lotte, that’s what I’m here for! Your heroic guardian against distractions._

“Akko?”

“Yes?”

“You know I love your enthusiasm, but can you give me space?” Lotte forced her lips to curl upward into a gentle smile and patted Akko on the shoulder.

Sucy opted for the direct route and hauled Akko away. “Come on baka, I have need of my guinea pig.” 

“Ehhhh? No way! When did you even make more potions? We’ve been together 24/7!” 

“A true shinobi never reveals their secrets.”

Akko sat with Sucy for a long time and interrupted her potion tastings to toss the occasional glance in Lotte’s direction. Just because Akko didn’t want to use genjutsu herself didn’t mean her friend’s powers weren’t inspiring. At first silent beyond the swishes and slurps of alchemy, the sound of soft singing gradually seeped into the air; Akko knew it was coming from Lotte, she’d heard the song time and again during training, but the girl’s lips never moved. If there were spirits nearby, they would respond. The stronger her song, the farther it’s call could reach, so naturally at one point Akko had offered to join Lotte’s singing. 

Turned out Sucy had a potion for everything, even stealing vocal cords. 

_Rude._

“I see you thinking about it,” Sucy chided, then took the empty vial from Akko’s hands only to replace it with another – this time a deep russet liquid. There was something to be said about the life expectancy of Sucy’s test subjects. Not something Akko could formulate a concrete sentence on, but oh yeah, she knew there was something. 

But loyalty to her friends meant everything to a shinobi like Akko, anyone who abandoned that fact was scum. She swallowed the liquid with a pained expression.   
“Umbrella is a classic. It’s not my fault the rain spirits got offended.” Akko shuddered at the memory; underground or not, an umbrella sat in her pack. They wouldn’t get the drop on her again. 

Lotte’s finished her song and Akko grinned as the girl joined them. It never failed to surprise her how fast she adjusted to the sound. She guessed that was the point of genjutsu, once the hold it had over someone was noticed then bam, jutsu up, and better hope there’s another option. 

“So?” Akko asked. 

Lotte shook her head. Back to square one. 

**Screech!**

A scrape like that of a kunai being unsheathed echoed from the passage to the left. 

Or just maybe… square two?

“Scroll time!” Running toward danger? That was a given. Grumps like that Diana Uchiha claimed Chariot had abandoned the Hidden Leaf during the Noire Rod Attack, but Akko knew better. And just like her hero, she threw caution to the wind when it came to her dream. 

The tunnel walls lightened and returned to the beige color of the surface… and then kept morphing until Akko was surrounded by what disturbingly resembled flesh. Scraping noise be Kage’d, this mystery shoved thoughts of scrolls – what scrolls? – to the side. _A shinobi must use their senses to determine their surroundings…_ Akko reached out to touch the flesh-rock. 

If it looks like the inside of a stomach, and squishes like the inside of a stomach, and oh wow, ew, if it drips like the inside of a stomach then… 

Akko pulled her hand back and shook it frantically at her side, droplets of _something_ flew off to splatter the _now-also-flesh-colored-what-was-happening_ ground. 

“Why aren’t we moving?” Akko reeled backwards at the toneless voice beside her ear. Sucy’s white pupils stared at her. 

“That?!”

Sucy and Lotte looked at the wall then back to their teammate as if she were the crazy thing here. 

“It’s finally happened, they think we’ve lost it.” Akko turned her head in slow motion and choked at the sight of a mini-her decked out in leather. It crossed its arms and nodded vigorously. “Yup, no doubt about it. We have to kill them.”

Eh?

“We can’t kill our precious comrades!” A second shoulder-Akko spoke, this one wore the red and white Hokage garb and smacked Akko’s cheek with some golden rod toy to emphasize her point. 

“Duh we aren’t killing them!” Akko couldn’t believe she had to argue that point with herself. 

“Shut it, baka!” Devil-Akko took the rod and whacked Akko’s mouth. “A shinobi needs the element of surprise.”

A hand reached out and squeezed Akko’s forearm. _Lotte, she’ll know what to do about this and-_ Her heart sunk to the ground then dug it’s way to the planet’s core at the sight: Akko’s own face stared at her from under Lotte’s blonde, orange – yorange? – hair. Oh, and her eyes were blue. Before she screamed, Akko decided to never go for that look. Then she screamed, shoved Lotte-Akko away, and screamed again at a similarly morphed Sucy-Akko. 

“Huh, maybe she is losing it,” Devil-Akko added. 

Angel-Akko clasped Akko’s jaw to the best of her ability and shook it by flying back and forth rapidly. She didn’t scream again, but the problems of her teammates and the flesh tunnel remained. What in the world was happening? Had Akko really lost it? She was down to a single pack of microwave ramen after all, and a human being could only be expected to go so long…

Sucy-Akko looked sheepish. 

“What was in that potion?” Akko demanded. “Why is rock stomach? Why Lotte-Akko? Sucy-Akko?!” 

“Sucy…” Lotte frowned with Akko’s lips at the girl smirking with also Akko’s lips and wow this was a lot to take in so Akko considered sitting down but the floor was a stomach and her pants were already dirty from being flung around by Team Appleton and…

“My super powerful ocular potion (SPOP) enhanced by nearby genjutsu usage is a success. A lot of poisons are ineffective because people notice the effects right away, but this one lies dormant in the victim’s-”

“Poison? _Victim_?” Each of Akko’s words augmented the grin spreading across Devil-Akko’s face. 

“Yeah, don’t interrupt me it’s rude-”

Akko threw her hands up in exasperation. “ _I’m_ being rude?”

“You usually are. SPOP lies dormant in the victim’s bloodstream for a few hours unless they or another shinobi use genjutsu. So, my poison plus Lotte’s singing.”

“How long does it last?” Lotte-Akko asked, and skipped right over her duty to mirror Akko’s feelings of betrayal. 

A shrug. “Less than a month?” 

_A month. Of seeing the floor as squishy stomach. And having these weirdos on my shoulders._

Devil-Akko’s grin switched to a scowl. “Who’re you calling weird?”

“Ignore her,” Angel-Akko cut in. Was she wearing glasses before? “Now, I’d like to focus on the the squishiness. This is your hallucination after all. Based on the ten seconds we focused on summoning jutsu, this might be Jiraiya’s Toad Mouth Bind jutsu so not really a stomach but a throat. What do you think Original Akko?”

_Stomach, hungry, time to eat… time? Time limit?_

“The scrolls!” 

Squishy or not, a floor’s a floor. Akko took off running again, her Akko-companions dragged along toward whatever that scraping sound was from before this terrible mushroom potion set in. Lectures on genjutsu were Akko’s favorite naptimes, and as she felt her sandals stick to the floor and slow her progress, Akko swore off naps for the foreseeable future. Yeah, a perfect plan. From now on, the focus   
was on following the path straight forward. So what if there were two, kinda adorable in hindsight, Akkos on her shoulders and Sucy and Lotte were also Akkos. A shinobi with less immunity to absurdities would’ve lost it, but with this many Akkos in one place, the future Hokage imagined herself a true shadow clone jutsu master. 

Even if it was all in her head. 

_Maybe it’s just a dream!_

Akko squelch-skidded around another corner and slammed face first into a dead-end. The Leaf genin was used to injury, both while awake and asleep. This felt like awake pain: sharp then dull, aching and undeniable. Awake pain sucked. 

**Screech.**

There it was again, the squeal of a sharp object against rock that had beckoned her down this hall. Akko forwent rubbing her nose and dropped to her hands and knees, her fingers ran along the… _It’s just rock and not a stomach so it’s fine._ Her fingers ran along the ground and came to a rest on a barely tangible handle. She yanked with all her might and a burst of incredulously even more stale air broke free. 

A pair of beady yellow eyes glowed at her from below. 

And outside the hypnotizing eyes, Lotte-Akko’s concerned ones. “Don’t touch it Akko, it might have rabies.” 

Unconcerned eyes with thinly veiled eagerness. “Touch it Akko, raccoon dog fangs are a rare potion ingredient.”

None of the faux-Akkos noticed the most important detail concerning the fluffy, two-foot long animal clinging to the wall of the vertical passage. Between its narrow jaws sat an Earth scroll; and by the Kages those beady eyes set into its dark brown bandit coloring surrounded by soft shades of white and tan taunted her.

Akko decided to touch it. 

“Here tanuki tanuki…” she cooed and laid flat on her stomach to stretch an arm toward its fangs. “I’ll let you have some tasty ramen if you gimme that scroll.”

The tanuki stared blankly at her and continued to gnaw on the scroll, just out of reach. Akko scooted over the edge as far as she could without falling. 

“Lotte-Akko, hold on to my legs. I can almost reach him.”

“Lotte-Akko? I- alright. Don’t lean too far, ok?” Akko felt hands grip her ankles and continued scooting. The tanuki hissed at the girl; much like every runaway cat Team Ursula was sent to find had hissed at, then scratched, then bit, then eventually licked Akko. And her track record obviously meant she was due some animal luck!

“Ha!” By the deep growls emitted, the tanuki wasn’t pleased about Akko’s hand grabbing the other end of the scroll. But it couldn’t bite her with the scroll in its mouth and its claws were otherwise occupied clinging to the wall. Checkmate. “I’ve got it, pull me up!”

Akko’s fuzzy rival tugged in vain as Lotte-Akko and Sucy-Akko, unaided by those lazy shoulder Akkos, began to lift their teammate. She could see the defeat in its eyes. _Next up is that Louis loser!_ At least this probably rabid animal hadn’t tried to kill her. It wasn’t a minotaur or dragon, but Akko was already drafting her tale of heroic exploits. 

Time slowed as the raccoon dog let go of the wall and fell, Earth scroll still in-jaw. Akko found herself faced with another decision. Every lecture leading up to the chunin exams had stressed preparation and caution. _Finnelan-sensei would tell me to let go but…_

“No way you’re getting away with my scroll!” The small but sturdy tanuki had thrown off her teammates’ balance and their stutter-steps sent pebbles whizzing past Akko’s face. “No way I’m gonna give up on anything, to anyone. A believing heart is my nindo, you know!”

“I’m gonna die in a cave with a rabid animal and a raccoon dog,” Sucy-Akko stated dryly as the three shinobi slipped over the edge and plummeted into the tube. 

The implication that Akko was the rabid animal flew over her head; all that mattered was the scroll still in her and tanuki possession. Stomach tunnels, though ew, made for a much less terrifying falling experience than she was used to. The vertical drop lessened with time and freefall transitioned into erratic bouncing downslope and eventual sliding. _Makeout Night Fall_ posters weren’t the only ones lining her neighborhood, the Hidden Waterfall Village had recently opened a waterpark to attract more tourism and mission contracts. No amount of begging had convinced Hokage Holbrooke to send Team Ursula on a ‘reconnaissance’ mission with ‘fully funded swimsuits and meal expenses’, but this was pretty close to what Akko expected. Minus the giant pool of water at the end to splash into. 

Akko squinted against the glare before her. Whoever oversaw chunin exam lighting had no work ethic. Scattered torches that lit next to nothing for dramatic effect and now some bright light at the end of the tunnel, honestly who does that? The white glow drowned out any sight of what laid beyond. Akko crossed her fingers and hoped it wasn’t another wall; her poor face could only get flattened so many times in a day. 

“Remind ya of home?” She’d forgotten about Devil-Akko and Angel-Akko. 

Angel-Akko turned her nose up and away from her counterpart. “As if either of you are going there.”

Akko nodded in agreement, good to have Angel-Akko on her side at least and - “Wait, either?” 

“You’re fighting an innocent creature over a piece of paper!”

“An important piece of paper, and I offered it my _ramen_. If anything, lecture the tanuki about fixing it’s attitude for animal-heaven.”

Another snort from leather-clad mini-Akko. “Goody two shoes here slept through animal heaven class.”

“I was resting my eyes! Not like you paid attention, too busy ‘glaring’ at Devil-Dia-”

 _Mou!_ Akko swatted at her shoulders. “Hey Sucy, I’m not testing any more of your potions without an antidote!”

“Who said I didn’t have one?”

“Eh?!”

“You never asked.”

“Well I am now!” A flask of golden liquid flew by Akko’s cheek and her arm whipped forward to catch it just in time. She brought the flask to her lips and paused as the cool glass pressed against her lips.   
It smelled like vanilla. Very suspicious for the usual disgusting odors. 

Angel-Akko wrapped a tiny hand around the flask’s neck and met Akko’s eyes. “Why did Sucy give us the SPOP in particular?”

_Probably to get revenge for losing the Diana-is-evil argument because she’s a sore loser._

“But did you want to be right?” Akko looked to her devil self for backup. How was she supposed to answer a question she didn’t understand? That problem had plagued her ever since she entered the Academy, a problem her evil rival hadn’t dealt with. The rival that had the audacity to steal Akko’s quiet place.

Akko blinked against the light, and with each blink thought more about the question. 

_Eight years old. I’m walking home from the academy alone again. The passersby are staring at me. I don’t know why they look disappointed. An older boy grimaces at me and throws a can, so I run away. The South Lake is empty after the prettiest part of sunset, nobody stays to watch the clouds shift from pink to crimson to gray. It’s warm today. Perfect for swimming. My frog friends will be waiting._

_A blonde girl kneels at the end of the pier. I stop. I’m disappointed. I’m scared. Why is she here?_

_There’s a green glow coming from her hands. They’re shaking over a limp frog. I take a step forward and see her face. She’s crying. Frustration. Disappointment. Like mine. I look around but there are no other figures at the lake. Where are her parents?_

_Her eyes meet mine, an ocean blue. Then red. Filled with fury. I stumble backwards and run away._

_Far away, I smile._

_She was alone too._

Sharp pain seared up her arm and tore Akko from her memories. The tanuki had finally let go of the scroll. Score! The tanuki had also sunk its teeth into her forearm. Un-score! Red trickled down her arm, but another shade held her attention. 

The crimson lake of Blood Moon Cavern loomed beyond the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I miss Akko's Adventure in Sucyworld and MindFull by SilverSupa got me into ao3 so here's my Naruto take for some fun after that more serious Diana one-shot.
> 
> Oof.


End file.
